I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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