I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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