The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
