This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
