Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
