Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
