First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
