I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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