I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
