we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
