i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
