he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Someone signed my nipple.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
