Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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