I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
