yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
