The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
