He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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