i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
