Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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