Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
A+ Viking dick
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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