The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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