I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
