I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
