Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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