Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
