he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
