Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
