I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
