I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
