I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
