apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
