I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
