My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
