she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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