I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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