I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I want to fling myself into the sun
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
