I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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