That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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