He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Randomize
