Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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