did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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