also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
