i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
