So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
