i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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