I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
