craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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