I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
