she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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