Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
