she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
